Generosity goes a long way
Don’t answer enthusiasm with indifference
You know that moment when you reach out to a friend with real enthusiasm and excitement, and a dosis vulnerability - and said friend happens to be a specialist in the field - and you’re met with indifference.
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A cold, self-important answer that leaves you with the feeling that they are somewhat proud of themselves for standing their ground and keepig their boundaries. Self-righteous, actually.
Like a client of mine, who reached out to her former coach, enthusiastically showing her what she had created after learning from that coach. She got a cold shoulder. An answer that was so stingy that she was left completely shocked!
And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of that, you know it’s not the decline itself that stings. It’s the tone, the words, the way your excitement gets handled like an interruption to their greatness.
Because what that kind of response really says is: “I heard you, and I chose to shut you down. I saw your trust and vulnerability, and I made it about me. You brought something personal, and I treated it like a disruption.”
Honestly? It doesn’t come across as strength and leadership. Mature, present, generous people don’t respond like that.
Yes, boundaries are real. However, so is dignity.
You don’t have to love everything people share with you. You don’t have to read every caption, watch every video, or engage deeply with every invitation, project, or offering that lands in your inbox. You get to have boundaries. You get to have preferences. You even get to say no.
But as I’ve grown older, have more patience and more insight in other peoples’ reactions, I’ve come to this: There is a line, and it’s not subtle. It’s about respect, acknowledgement, and patience with other people. And generosity.
A boundary sounds like: “Thank you for sharing. I’ll try til make time to look at it, but since we don’t work together anymore, I may not be able to go in depth in my answer. Well done, though!”
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A door in the face sounds like: “Here is my worldview, my standards, my superior discernment, but good luck with your project! (comes across as: “And here’s why sharing this with me is wrong.”
The first answer protects your energy.
The other one is just stomping on someone to make yourself look superior.
I want to say this directly, because it matters:
When someone shares something personal, especially if it’s new, especially if it comes after a hard season (which you probably know nothing about!), they are sending you their trust in you, and a hope that their effort means something, and is acknowledged by you.
Even when the message looks casual, there’s often a quiet question underneath it: - -
Can I approach her here without being punished for it?
Can I share this without feeling small?
Some people have a habit of turning every interaction into a declaration of identity. And oh, yes! It IS a declaration of identity, just not the declaration you thought you were giving.
Now, I have seen coaches say things in the lines of: “She thinks I’ll let her be a free-rider, or what makes her think she can get stuff from me for free?”
So when someone reaches out, and instead of meeting the moment with simple warmth, the responder launches into what they stand for, what they reject, what they no longer have capacity for, and why their position is so very clear. They usually also add something along the lines of “You and I obviously see things differently!” The exchange isn’t about the person who reached out anymore. It’s about the responder and their “branding statement”.
Please….
If someone has been a client, a student, a customer, a community member… if trust has existed, your words carry more weight than you probably think. Your rejection feels harder to take. Your dismissal cuts deep. And yes, it does leave a mark.
It leaves a mark even with tough people; it’s really not about being fragile.
You might think you’re “just being clear.”
But what the other person often feels is something else entirely. They feel the coldness. And people do remember. Not necessarily the words, but they do remember how you made them feel.
They remember whether your values made you kinder, or if your “clarity” came with an attitude problem.
However.. Dignity matters.
When someone comes toward you openly, and you answer in a way that makes them feel smaller, you have done more than express an opinion. You’ve failed in communication, you failed a relational test.
What makes this worse is that people often call this authenticity.
They act as though being blunt, or even rude, is automatically bravely standing your ground. But authenticity is not a free pass to behave without kindness and grace.
Sometimes what’s named as ‘authentic’ is just a lack of generosity disguised as branding. And I’ll add this, because it’s part of how I see the world.
Kindness comes from within.
Which means how you respond when nobody is applauding you, is the real measure.
Remember:
You can be honest and still be kind.
You can be clear and still be decent.
You can decline without delivering a full manifesto.
If someone has trusted you, paid you, learned from you, or been part of your world in any way, then the standard is higher. Professional relationships do not cancel basic decency. If anything, they demand more of it.
So no, you do not have to love everything people create. You do not have to engage with everything they send. In fact, sometimes a thumb up goes a long way, and can feel a lot better than a blunt or rude answer.
And if all you can offer is a brief response, let it come from a place that doesn’t make someone regret reaching out.
And in the end, your response says far more about you than about whatever it was they shared.
When all this is said, I am with a coach now that is truly amazing. Julie Ciardi-50 Not Finished📕 answersinside the community when she instinctively KNOWS an answer would make a huge difference - even if the answer isn’t necessary about something practical. I learn something new all the time. It’s Christmas day EVERY day, and the Christmas tree is one of the tribal emojis 🎄 I’d like to share her generosity with you. Come to her masterclass with me ❤️ We’ll have 5 full days of lerning, and you get access to that amazing community! The link to join is here. https://www.igniteherbrand.com/neweracoach/
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